Curse of the middle child

I feel that I have been treated like an extra. I'm being called for only when I'm needed and cast aside after all the chores are settled. I'm inconspicuous, insignificant. I feel pathetic. Does that always happen to the middle child? Am I literally too short to be seen? Just kidding. My brother loves to play the blaming game and I'm usually the victim (sometimes my mom gets to be the victim). Like this afternoon, I rushed home after work to help my brother locate his graduation certificate. I was rummaging through everywhere for that piece of laminated paper but I couldn't find it. It must be my mom who had thrown it away during spring cleaning! She likes to throw our things away because she assumes that we don't use or need them anymore so I'm suspicious of her. My brother just came out and instruct me to head back to our primary school on monday to retrieve his certificate. I wonder if that's possible. I have to work on monday, which means I have to be up super early to get this done. WHAT THE HELL. To save my parents from trouble, I'm going to do it. I need sympathy. 

It's never black and white

How many in a million are able to have their dreams come true in reality? I'm a dreamer. I dream a lot, wherever I am. Be it during a bus ride or in the toilet. My mind could be anywhere. I imagine myself doing all sorts of things I would really love and hope to do in the present. I need courage. I need luck. It's almost like a mission impossible. I'm not up for it yet. I know it's now or never, I'm still young and have nothing much to lose at an age of 20. I still have time, ample time to figure a way out. It's either I work towards it or let go of it. Sometimes you just have to give up something you love and move on with life. 

How to be positive?

Life has indeed turned sour for my case. Everything around me seems very wrong. The environment, didn't expect myself to end up there. The people, mostly are not the ones I want to spend my time with. At bad times, I've horrible bosses and horrible colleagues at most times who always pretend to be sick so that they can excuse themselves from work. The truth behind is that they haven't recovered from their hangovers. I don't club and I don't drink. I don't find any joy in doing stuff like that. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not enjoying my life like how a wild youngster should. I guess it's just the way it is. You can say I'm boring which I fervently agree. Nothing else matters besides my family and girlfriends. They are all I need. This couple of weeks have been rough for me and I really miss them a lot. They are one in a million and I'll never find people like them anymore. Things are getting harder for me to accept.

I shouldn't have

Let's get things straight. I apologised because I felt sorry for what I had said to you, unpleasant choice of words I know. I wasn't asking for forgiveness, I don't think there was a need to. But now I do feel a pang of humiliation after reading something you posted, which I assumed I must be the recipient. Please stop thinking so highly about yourself. I have always dislike you since young. I tried to like and appreciate you but your arrogance never fails to annoy me. I was obliged to go out with you so many times in the past. I got to admit that I did lie to you a few times to excuse myself. I tolerated your crap and had enough of you telling me how many suitors you had and how bad you wanted a suave boyfriend. Good for you that you're rich but wealth is not everything. Don't be so shallow and intimidate everyone with your money. I thought we could clear the air and ditch the hard feelings. I thought. Wistful thinking I would call that. Guess there's no way back. I see. Fuck it yea. I still hate you. Nobody likes you. This is childish but I really don't care. Oh god, I'm feeling so ten-year-old.     

It's been a long time

Greetings love ones. Has work or/and school been treating all of you well? Basically, life has changed. For the better. The only thing remains unchanged is I'm still dating Daniel Sim. It's a good sign, in case you wonder. We're heading Hong Kong in October! Everything is settled so the only thing left with is to wait. It'll be good one. I have nothing to complain about work, set aside the working hours, everything is dandy. This space needs to liven up a little. It's way too dead here. Be back soon. 

Nobody is perfect, neither is the world

I was trying hard to paint my nails but gave up after 10 minutes. Blame it on the polish. It turned out looking disgusting despite me being extremely meticulous. Gone for Sheseido make up lesson, organised by my company, in the afternoon. In all honesty, single eyelids don't look good with eye shadows. Don't get me wrong, I'm not insulting but stating the fact. I'm a victim too. My eyes look awfully small. 'Double' is awesome. I might consider taking risk to have it the hard way. I'm kidding, I'm kidding! It's too painful and most importantly, costly. I won't do it unless I've too much money to spare, which I think it won't ever happen. Nobody is perfect, neither is the world. Being perfect is an imperfection, you can find it silly but it's true. One day, if you're determined to get rid of your flaws, get rid of the inner ones before you start off with your appearance. The world has to be better. Go figure if you don't get it.  

Contentment

I'm glad that things are falling in place. Everything is good. I managed to make new friends at work and they're really sweet and kind. I hope they're not pretending. I can't wait to travel. Perhaps the beginning of next year. I need to bring my camera out soon, it has been sitting in my closet for quite a while. Getting old. I need to catch up with old friends and I want to be able to spend more time with dan. A lot of things to be done but I'm fine with the way I'm living my life now. I experienced a bad haircut last week and I've got over the hideous look. 'Hair eventually grows', I told myself. There were more things to take care of besides my shithead so cut it out. Anyway, it looks better now. I don't know what to say anymore. I'll end here. 

Out of order

I dislike the sound of the vacuum cleaner. I was supposed to be sleeping. Now I'm up. Feeling a little cranky. "You dislike a lot of things", that's what my mom always tell me. I tried to refrain myself from taking a afternoon nap because that's mainly the reason why I can't sleep early at night. I don't know why weariness always creeps into my veins in the afternoon and I can't help but to fall asleep. It's not the first time like I said but I still find it shocking that I actually fell asleep. Then, lying wide awake on bed at 4 am in the morning is not fun at all and I'll start to listen to some music, hoping that would put me to deep sleep after some time but no. No way this is going to work for me. What should I do? Any samaritan out there that could advise me on what to do? I'll be grateful for your help. My routine has been messed up. Day and night. My period is so late, again. I know it's an absolute embarrassment to mention such a girly thing here, hope you don't mind. I'm struggling to sleep every night. I should pop some sleeping pills yea. I'm such a mess. Oh! I met up with Paige and Angela yesterday in the evening. We went Marche for dinner, that was my first time by the way. I'm kind of amused by how everything works in there. I still must say that I think we're paying way too much for just a plate of plain potatoes. And if you had been there before, you know how much oil they add onto the pan to fry those expensive potatoes. It's eye opening for me. I wanna go again. This time with Dan, before his enlistment. I bet he would love it.

Photo credit: Debora Pisani/iStock

Life starts now

I woke up to the sound of the rain and thunder. It was nice when the room seemed darker. Blanket wrapped around me like a newborn baby and the bed felt more comfortable than usual. I could sleep forever. Oh and I'm sick. I hate coughs. I really do. But as long as I don't cough my lungs out, everything is going to be fine and I'm not far from feeling better. I'm happy when I'm with my friends. I make them laugh and they make me laugh. Friends (and Dan) are irreplaceable. We really should meet up for lunch or dinner once in a while and keep one another updated with our lives. Please stay in touch my friends. Seems as it is, we are going on separate ways. But don't vanish, okay? It's really nice to know all of you. Be it my friends from poly or my lovely girls from secondary, I love all of you! To all the girls, we could plan for an overseas trip. I want to go Korea again. Australia, New York and London are in my travel list too. I want to head to somewhere foreign. When I say foreign, I mean very foreign. Like no-asians kind of foreign. Somewhere ang mo. This is hilarious but I want to step into their grounds and feel different. Maybe I would plan a solo trip. I've always wanted to take a plane to somewhere else by myself. But I'm just too daft to do so. Why not this, I take the plane alone and you all could meet me there. Let's just pretend that we meet by coincidence. Not that bad. At least I get the feel of travelling alone. I don't know if anyone of you would read this piece of shit but if you did, I've made my point. I wish you all the best ahead of you. And now... I have a good news to share. I'm employed! I don't think it's a brilliant idea to reveal my employer up here so I shall save that part. Let's keep it confidential. Be happy for me! Work will commence on 22 Jun, which means that I'm still left with a week or so to be carefree and lazy. I'm thrilled and excited, worried as well. I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, but life still goes on. 

Down-and-out

Not literally down-and-out but I just feel this way. For your information, I'm still jobless. Ample job opportunities, luckless me. I have only gone for one interview so far, this is very bad. In addition, I didn't regard that particular interview as a formal job interview. Apparently the interviewer was chatting with me, not fully in English but with a mixture of Chinese. What's this. I made a vain effort preparing answers to questions which I thought she would ask. I'm not going to give up just yet. I can't give up for sure, I've no choice. I don't want to remain jobless for life. This is just the beginning. Let me update a little on my life. For the past month, besides working part time, I would head out for some shopping whenever I felt like I had to because of GSS. I couldn't bring myself to miss all the good bargains. I knew the spending wouldn't last for long but I did enjoy the possession of new items that added to my closet. As for now, I ended my part time job and hide at home on most of the days after I've burned a hole in my pocket. Loser. 

On a happier note, my dearest J has successfully given birth to a healthy baby boy! That calls for a celebration! Only when she's done with her confinement. This is grueling. But she's a happy mom despite all the hard times she had gone through during the entire period of her pregnancy. Last night, at the hospital, the smile that flashed across her face when she carried baby zender in her arms was heavenly. I saw it. 

I mentioned on Twitter that I will starve myself for the rest of today after having McDonalds for supper at midnight. I'm trying my best to accomplish what I've promised myself. I haven't taken a single sip of liquid yet. Not that I don't want to but I'm lazy to fetch myself some water and prefer to sit in front of my laptop typing whatever I'm typing right here right now. I think I should go get some water now, write again.

Evaline!

Stare hard at the dashing man in the middle. He is a clone of Orlando Bloom. Brilliant. Oh wanna know how we ended up catching Music Matters in Clarke Quay? Dan brought me there. I was reluctant in the first place as I was really beat after my work. But tell you what, Evaline's music woke my mind up. Though I couldn't quite hear what the singer was singing due to the sound quality that came from the microphone, I enjoyed myself. It was free of charge afterall! Evaline is from USA, California. I have seen and heard of them on tumblr last year because they followed me! I'm serious. But I tried looking up for them under my followers just now, they were nowhere to be found. I swear they followed me on tumblr! Drat, they unfollowed me. On a side note, I'm back to updating my tumblr so if you have nothing better to do, you might want to click on the link 'Rocks in my head', scroll all the way down and you'll see it. I guess they wanted to gain some exposure so they followed whoever they came across. I was lucky enough to be chosen, it got me to know them. A sudden flashback of memory after they introduced themselves as Evaline. I was exclaiming, "What the hell! They followed me on tumblr last year!" Their faces weren't vivid in my memories but not now.

During their performance, I didn't jump and shake like others did. (Now I know I don't belong to a place like Clarke Quay) I raised my hands up high, clapped my hands, stomped my foot to the beat of the drum. That was all. I was immersed in the atmosphere but shaking all around wasn't ideal for me. I always believe that it'll be an involuntary movement. Anyways, it was a visual feast seeing them performed live and unforgettable impromptu moments from the lead singer (His name is Richard by the way. The Orlando guy). The group picture was the best thing of the night. That actually took both of us some courage to approach them. My hands were trembling with excitement and a little fear while I was speaking to them. I have to admit that I felt intimidated but they're the friendly bunch so everything went well. I'm happy tonight. Because I got to see a (free) concert with dan and it was a pleasure to meet people like them.

Always searching, never finding

Sundays are exceptionally sunny to me. I wonder if that's how it was named. I never fancy Sundays. I'm idling most of my time away, not being able to discover exactly what I want in life yet. Working part time along the way and at the same time I hope I can figure a way out for myself. I'll never ever earn a living out of my interests so this thought is going into the trash. My graduation ceremony is nearing and there isn't a bit of excitement. I'll just have to pray hard that I won't trip myself to fall down on stage when receiving my certificate. So I presume that the lecturers will question us on whether we're in the midst of seeking a job or we've already got one. I feel so restless and incompetent. I would rather stare at all the pretty faces in a drama series for a couple of hours on my laptop than to visit websites like jobstreet or jobcentral. Dan will be away from me for a solid two weeks starting from 8 June. I'll miss him a lot. So all my time will be dedicated to him until he enters the army. I love this boy. I would say he's one in a million. He has done so much for me. I'm a failure. Till then.

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The marina

Ecstasies of joy - Taipei

Taipei is a remarkable place. Eight days of stay was insufficient to satisfy young souls like us. Great weather and sumptuous meals at shocking low prices. The shopping was insane, I really love it so much. I bought a whole lot but I want more. If I had to list a shortcoming, it would be none other than the polluted air. We had to put on a mask to avoid inhaling excess toxic. It was unbearable. The locals appeared to be amiable, kind and helpful. I adore the sunset at dan shui the most, beautiful. I fell in love with stinky tofu, it's incredibly delicious. I'm about to drool now gosh... It was a guilty pleasure to stuff myself with so much food simultaneously. And come on, having koi everyday wasn't a big deal over there because it's dead cheap. A total of 1094 photos taken and I developed 200 of it. Now I'm encountering difficulty aligning them nicely in my photo album. It won't be able to fit all. So yea, I have to spend some money to get a new album in no time. I want to go back to Taipei again, probably next year? Let's see how everything goes for me.

For a moment my mind started drifting

Sun streaming through the windows and brightened the whole room. Just then I realised that it was morning. It felt like I've only slept for 5 minutes and had to jump out of bed to prepare for work, again. Now that I'm here, I was pacing back and forth, staring into blank spaces and moving people for the past one hour. "A heart that's full up like a landfill. A job that slowly kills you. Bruises that won't heal." Beautifully written. I really like Radiohead.

I do take strangers' and friends' comments and opinions into heart easily. I know I shouldn't but... What a shame. Today is April's fool, as well as my 35th month with Dan. Someone actually tweeted that Seoul has been hit by a 8.7 earthquake and tsunami. I doubt it's true. A constant reminder to myself that it's April's fool day. I'm trying not to be gullible today, especially today.

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Are you brave enough to face it?

My heart goes out to Japan. No one saw it coming. Anyway who will, we're merely vulnerable humans. Number of dead victims is expected to spike. Yes, I do fervently agree that what Japan had done in the past was brutal and inhuman but all of these were long gone. They don't deserve such tragedy and so do any other countries. Everyone's been actively discussing about doomsday again. I lost sleep last year due to this issue and now I'm suffering from this mental torture again. Being human is tough and worse compared to an animal/beast. We drown ourselves with too much emotions. I'm not being paranoid about things or alright maybe I am, but, it's the possibility of 50-50. The prediction might be dead accurate, of course you know how badly I wish it's not. It's just way too scary when the thought strikes, especially when there're too many coincidences. Is it a hint for us? Or did they just happen to coincide? This is insane. My eyelids are heavy, hopefully I can sleep well tonight. World peace.

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Hate to say goodbye

Caught Black Swan this evening with my beloveds and the film is brilliant. A round of applause for Natalie Portman. She is a brilliant actress, perhaps it's in her blood. Not forgetting to mention that I sat for my final paper this afternoon and that marks the end of my education phase. My mind isn't set for University just yet. Most of my friends are applying for it so best of luck to them and hope they are able to get into their desired course of study. I've studied enough, for now. Gotta get myself a damn job soon. Which company would love to have me as their valuable asset? I'm not sure if I would make an awesome colleague. This is bad. Oh my.. I'm starting to miss everything. Three years. Over. Just like that. Really did feel like a blink of an eye. I have to start abandoning my juvenility. When I was a child, I yearn to grow older over the night. Now that I'm older, I wished I could stop growing. Time is cruel. It never ever waits for you even you waited for it.  

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Monday couple

  Flowers from mom.

I love my valentine though I always give him a hard time coping with my nonsense. I was brought to a Mexican restaurant at dempsey hill, it was our first time having to taste Mexican food so we were looking forward to how it was going to be like. I would say the mixture of flavours made the cuisine unique in one way or another. I thought it was going to cost us an arm and a leg but it didn't. The ambience was superb (the place is huge), it made my heart went wild and wow... for sure a beautiful place to dine in. I made my valentine half a dozen of cup cakes. It's always nice to hear positive remarks from him! He claimed that the cup cakes tasted way better than my past attempts (: I want to thank d for each and everything. Till then, I'll write again.

Aloha

I have eventually abandoned Lj. It started to bore me a little, quite a fair bit in fact. I didn't expect blogspot to change so much, I'm loving it. I had so much fun today! (Again) Seriously! I laughed so much that my jaws were aching real bad. I have a bunch of fun loving friends, a caring/thoughtful but inquisitive boyfriend and a supportive family so tell me what more do I need? I do count myself fortunate though I complain a lot at times. We had steamboat buffet at bugis and headed to the arcade for more excitement. It was another hilarious and crazy night and I'm looking forward to more, more and more.